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Put Emotions in Check:
Remember the following:
a) The cost and length of divorce litigation is directly proportionate to the emotions of the parties; and
b) Courts do not usually consider who was at fault in the break up when dealing with financial issues (except, perhaps, when dealing with alimony).
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Protect the Children:
Beyond any other consideration, the children come first. They should not suffer needlessly due to your decision to divorce your spouse. Here are some of the more common admonitions with regard to children and divorce:
a) Once you’ve decided to divorce, try to speak to your children together and show them a united front so that they can see that, although you and your spouse cannot live together any longer, they still have a mother and father who love and care for them and can work together in their best interests;
b) Do not use the children as pawns;
c) Do not view your children as spoils of your divorce litigation;
d) Do not enlist your children as couriers or messengers;
e) Do not act out in the presence of the children;
f) Do not bad mouth your spouse to the children;
g) Do not discuss spousal disputes with the children;
h) Do not interrogate the children about your spouse.
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Prepare a Detailed Marital History:
Essentially, you should try to chronologically summarize all of the salient facts related to your relationship with your spouse. Although it may seem like a daunting task, you should chronologically address each of the following points:
a) Length of Courtship;
b) Timing of Engagement;
c) Financial and non-financial contributions to marriage;
d) History of Domestic Violence or abuse;
e) Breakdown of Marriage;
f) Physical and emotional health of each party;
g) Employment history of each party;
h) Marital Lifestyle (see #5 below);
i) "Statutory Factors" related to custody, child support, alimony and equitable distribution. (Your attorney can provide these to you.)
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Summarize Marital Lifestyle:
How did you live your life? Did you live a low, middle or upper class lifestyle? One of the key issues in a matrimonial dispute is marital lifestyle. Begin to describe it for your attorney using the following categories.
a) Marital residence – pool, cost of furnishings, improvements;
b) Vacation homes;
c) Extent of savings in bank or investment accounts;
d) Types of automobiles, boats, planes, motorcycles or other vehicles or recreational crafts;
e) Frequency of vacations and locations;
f) Furs and jewelry;
g) Nature of stores frequented;
h) Country clubs;
i) Extent of entertainment including but not limited to: gambling, sports and hobbies, restaurants, theatre, movies and the like;
j) Extent of gifts given and received;
k) Extent of service providers such as household help, gardeners, maintenance personnel and the like;
l) Nature, extent and value of household furniture and furnishings, including collectibles and artwork;
m) Children’s expenses, including but not limited to private school, camps, tutoring or extracurricular activities;
n) Available cash;
o) Available free time;
p) Personal expenses run through a business;
q) Pets (In one case, the parties had their dog in "Doggy Day Care").
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Identify Your Issues & List Your Goals (Wish List & Bottom Line):
Once you’ve summarized your marital history, identified your issues (e.g., custody, time-sharing, alimony, child support, value of a business, hidden assets, personal injuries, etc.) For example, "I want joint legal custody; to be the parent of primary residence with $X in alimony; $X in child support and half of the assets.")
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Gather Information & Documents:
You can avoid many months of litigation and thousands of dollars by gathering and copying key financial records prior to a divorce:
a) Tax Returns (Personal & Business);
b) Spending Records (checking account statements, registers, cancelled checks and credit card statements);
c) Personal Financial Statements;
d) Loan applications;
e) Business records;
f) Insurance policies and riders;
g) Bank & Brokerage account statements;
h) Retirement Account statements;
i) Wills and Trust Documents;
j) Real or personal property appraisals;
k) Deeds and mortgages.
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List Assets & Liabilities:
A major part of the case will be the "equitable distribution" of property. There are three main aspects to the property division aspects of a divorce case: (1) identify; (2) value; and (3) distribute the parties assets and liabilities. This process, therefore, starts with identifying all assets and liabilities. Consider using an Excel chart or similar program, to list your assets, how they are titled, their values and any exempt portions (i.e., amounts that are pre-marital, gifted to just you, or inherited by you):
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a) Real Estate;
b) Bank & Brokerage Accounts;
c) Vehicles;
d) Personal Property;
e) Retirement Accounts;
f) Businesses;
g) Custodial Accounts;
h) Other;
i) Mortgages;
j) Home Equity Loans;
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k) Credit Cards;
l) Tax Liabilities;
m) Other Debts;
n) Sole Proprietorships;
o) Tax Losses;
p) Stock Options;
q) Term Life Cash Value Insurance on Terminally Ill Person;
r) Deferred Compensation (Phantom Stock Awards, Top-Hat Plans, etc.);
s) Frequent Flyer Miles.
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Summarize Your Education/Earnings & Employment Histories:
There are many factors that are considered when setting alimony and child support. These include, but are not limited to the length of marriage, contributions to the marriage, age, health and myriad of other factors. Chief among these factors are the earning ability of each party. Therefore, for both you and your spouse, summarize the following:
a) Post High School education, degrees, certification and licenses earned;
b) Employment History including but not limited to: employers, dates of employment, positions held, earnings, and employment benefits received (i.e., promotions, deferred compensation, stock options, bonuses, over-time, etc.);
c) If unemployed, intentions regarding re-employment, rehabilitation plans (i.e., education and time needed to acquire work experience) and child care;
d) Your plans for employment in the future;
e) Your plans for retirement.
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Top Reasons People Divorce
Is Divorce is the Back of Your Mind as You Are Saying "I Do"
By Linda M. McCloud
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"Do you take this man or this woman to be your husband or your wife till death due you part? That is the question you are asked during your marriage vows. But in the back of your mind were you thinking, sure I take this person. But if it doesn't work I'll file for a divorce and get on with my life?
If that thought was in the back of your mind, you are not alone. It must be in the back of some couple's minds because 50 to 60% of today's newlyweds will divorce. Why?
The number one reason is money. They say money makes the world go around. But they also say it is the root of all evil.
The other top reasons for divorce:
Infidelity.
Poor communication
Change in priorities. This can be caused by having kids or due to ones job, big things.
Lack of commitment to the marriage.
Sexual problems.
Other reasons that come up frequently, but not as frequently are:
Addictions
Failed expectations of your spouse (believing one is a super hero or that he/she can fix or be everything to or for you)
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
You know the reasons. Now what can you do to make sure that your marriage doesn't end in divorce court?
First of all, continue to work at it. Don't take your marriage or your spouse for granted. It is so easy to do. You love this person. You know this person loves you. You assume he/she will always be there. With time, you neglect the little things that were special.
You forget to take time for him/her. You quit doing the little things he/she loved. You don't make the brownies as often, you don't buy the flowers. You don't have sex as often or even worse yet it is always a scheduled event.
You don't talk out your differences. He/she does something that annoys you. You push it inside you. You do this a lot of the time. It stays inside of you building, building until you want to scream. Find the time to talk even about the little stuff.
Money. Don't let it put a wedge between you. Work at your budget together. One may be better at doing the math than the other one is. But still make sure you both have input.
What do you do about infidelity? That is a tough question to answer. Some people can forgive a spouse for being unfaithful. Was it an one night stand or an ongoing affair? Why did it happen? Those are questions you need to ask, after your anger has simmered some. Can you really forgive your spouse? Will you be able to trust him/her again? These are questions only you can answer?
Does therapy help? For some couples, therapy is great and will help solve some of the issues that are hurting your marriage. Both parties need to believe in therapy and be willing to be honest in it. If you just go through the motions and say what you think your partner and the therapist want you to say, you aren't helping your marriage any.
Is there a key to keep your marriage safe? No. Love is not even the key. There isn't one key. There are several sets of keys. They work together in harmony. Notice the phrase is work together because that is what marriage is two people working together for a lasting future.
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Stay or Go?
Five women who were stuck in unfulfilling relationships share their wake-up moments.
Five women who thought they were stuck in not-great-but-not-terrible relationships recall the sudden flash that freed them - for better or worse - to make the right decision.
Alexis Smith: "I wanted to believe him"
Her Story
Alexis was a party girl studying fashion, and George was a shy art student when they met in college. "We were attracted to what the other had to offer," Alexis says. After years of dating, she married George, shortly after giving birth to their first son.
Alexis began to notice a change in her marriage once her husband opened an art gallery and started staying out late. George admitted to cheating on Alexis while she was pregnant with their third child.
Wake-Up Moment
George begged forgiveness, and Alexis, who was eight months pregnant, gave him another chance. They moved from Manhattan to a quaint country house. But, on the first Christmas Eve in their new home, Alexis discovered that George was in love with another woman and decided that it was time to leave him - for good.
Resolution
George moved out, and Alexis was on her own. That's when she realized she'd been on her own for years. When George was once again ready to reconcile, Alexis had an epiphany: "If I go back now, I'll lose any self-respect I've mustered over the past months." She carried on building up her own clothing line and then, unexpectedly, fell in love. "I never thought I'd find love again. Or that someone would love me for me."
Myra Tillotson Nuriddin: "Seven years of invisibility piled up"
Her Story
Myra was 47 years old and divorced when she met Sulaiman, a man who had 10 children from three previous relationships. Myra, mother to a grown son, and Sulaiman eventually said their "I dos." Their decision not to invite all of Sulaiman's children to the wedding backfired, and Myra's relationship with her stepchildren suffered. Tension built up for years, and Myra often felt disrespected and resented by Sulaiman's children. "But if I brought it up with Sulaiman, he'd say, 'Don't play children's games; you'll never win,'" Myra says.
Wake-Up Moment
One Christmas Eve, Myra invited all of Sulaiman's children over for dinner. After a full day of cooking, her stepchildren trickled in more than an hour late. Angry and hurt, Myra remembers Sulaiman's oldest son walking right past her when he finally arrived for dinner. "Seven years of painful invisibility piled up into that one moment, and I lost it," Myra says.
Resolution
After confronting Sulaiman with her concerns, she found a therapist who suggested that she and Sulaiman try an Imago workshop focusing on couples and communication. At the workshop, they learned how to "mirror" each other. "When I'm angry, Sulaiman repeats what I'm saying to him before he responds. That calms me instantly," Myra says.
The Imago method has also helped work things out with her stepchildren. For their 10th wedding anniversary, Myra and Sulaiman renewed their vows. "All the kids were invited," Myra says. "When I first said 'I do' to Sulaiman, I thought it was just the two of us. This second time around, I knew it was actually 13."
Michelle Barrett: "We'd get meaner with every fight"
Her Story
Michelle began dating Joe, a rival marketing rep who proposed a year later over ice cream cones in the park. Soon after, the fighting began. "We were constantly getting into stupid arguments that left me feeling alone," Michelle says. They sought help but the arguments continued to escalate. "We'd get meaner with each fight," Michelle recalls. "I threatened to leave, and he called my bluff. That's when I got really scared."
Wake-Up Moment
Michelle's biggest fear was losing Joe. A friend mentioned a weekend "reconnecting" workshop for couples, but Michelle had burned out on therapists. Faced with a decision, Michelle's mother asked her, "If you don't do this, are you prepared to live with the consequences?" That struck Michelle like lightning. "Joe and I were in a hurtful holding pattern," she says. "My mom's words jolted me into action."
Resolution
At the workshop, the first exercise was an exorcism. "We had to act out a scary childhood moment," Michelle recalls. "[My stepfather] was extremely verbally abusive to me, and my model for how men acted. So if Joe disagreed with me, I'd hear my stepfather and freak out."
Following the workshop, Michelle confronted her stepfather, who apologized for treating her badly. Now, she says, "whenever I'm mad at Joe, I ask myself, 'What's this really about?'" As a result, the arguments don't escalate. "We love each other too much to let minor blowups tear us apart," Michelle says.
Megan Davis: "I wanted to help him get better"
Her Story
Megan met Greg while studying abroad in Australia. He was a free spirit who often needed time by himself and would often go off for weekends alone. Meanwhile, Megan took on all the domestic duties of their relationship. "I was so often worried about his feelings that I would do all these things to make his life easier," she says.
After eight years of dating, Greg confessed to Megan that he was depressed and began taking antidepressants. Soon after, he proposed to Megan during a trip to Taiwan. Six weeks before their September wedding, Greg came home in tears and wanted to postpone the wedding. He started therapy and, two months later, asked Megan to join him in seeing the therapist. "I readily agreed," she says. "I wanted to help him get better."
Wake-Up Moment
After eight sessions, Megan felt "we were going in circles." The therapist told them to work on their communication skills, but they still hadn't done the assignments from the first session. "I knew then that I had done all I could, and that Greg's moodiness was going to be his lifelong struggle," Megan says. "I wanted him to be happy, but I finally realized that I couldn't do that for him."
Resolution
At first, the loneliness was palpable. "I spent my 20s with one man, and suddenly I was alone," she says. "Regaining my self-confidence was hard."
Now, Megan says she knows she made the right decision. "I have a therapist friend who once told me if I was meant to leave Greg, I'd know in my gut when the time came," she says. "Acting on that moment made me realize I can trust myself."
Sarah Albertson: "He was a good man, but he was dull"
Her Story
After Sarah's first date with Richard, she didn't plan on seeing him again. But after getting fired from her job and facing a July 4 weekend alone, she called him back. He was different from the guys she normally dated, but he filled a void. "I was very lonely and insecure - and unlucky in love," she says. "I thought he was as good as it would get for me."
They married, moved from Manhattan to Santa Barbara and started a family. "My life seemed full, but it wasn't. I didn't love my husband," she says. "I faulted myself for not liking him more - he was a good man, but he was dull."
Wake-Up Moment
One night, Sarah came home late, exhausted and looking for comfort. Instead, she found her husband and two children asleep in her bed - leaving no room for her. After putting her kids to bed, she decided that she couldn't pretend anymore. "My husband initiated sex," Sarah recalls. "And I started crying. He asked, 'What's wrong?' I said, 'I don't want to do this anymore.'" He didn't fight it.
Resolution
"I had finally found the courage to leap," she says.
Sarah signed up for Match.com several months after the split. "Everybody told me it was too soon to date," she recalls. "I was like, 'I've waited my whole life for romance.'"
Through Match, Sarah met Adam, who she married in 2000. Their relationship isn't perfect;"we have disagreements that leave me frustrated - but I feel passionate about him. That's the big difference."
O, The Oprah Magazine , September 2005
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