The ABCs of Surviving Divorce

It's often said that two of the most stressful situations encountered in life are death and divorce. Sadly, for many couples divorce represents the death of a deeply personal relationship. The emotional chaos surrounding divorce offers the unique perspective for gaining powerful, personal insights that can make our lives infinitely more meaningful, rewarding, and harmonious.
 
As far too many American couples are aware, more than 50 percent of all marriages now end in divorce. Each year 2 million people get divorced and the courts make custody decisions for over 1 million children.  According to the U.S. National Institute of Health, the average marriage lasts only 11 years and divorce annually costs Americans more than $1 billion. The following are selected insights from "The ABCs of Divorce" that can speed your recovery from this emotional rollercoaster. 

A: ANGER to ASCEND
"He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." -Proverbs: 18:32

Anger:  First, understand that retaining anger from the divorce process will eventually make you sick! Anger translates into stress and stress takes a huge physical and emotional toll from your daily life. Lose the anger, forgive and forget.  Uncontrolled anger only accomplishes two things—it makes you sick, or it makes you crazy.  
Ascend: Take the first step in managing the divorce crisis: Ascend! Get to higher ground and adopt a positive supportive frame of mind for every situation you meet during the marriage dislocation process. Begin to meditate, visualize, and carry out an action plan for the kinds of solutions you want to happen in your life. Then one day your whole environment will shift, and everyone—including you—will have a more positive attitude about your circumstances. You will begin to discover solutions that will make every facet of your life more fulfilling.

Joanne's Story
Joanne is a high-powered attorney who, upon arriving home two days early from a corporate retreat, finds her beloved spouse in bed with the children's nanny. "I really lost it. Here I'm plowing the north 40 while lover boy was playing doctor with my children's supposed keeper. Worse yet, the kids had a play date at a mutual friend's home. They had the whole damn house to themselves. Meanwhile, I was working my tail off to keep us together economically and socially. Everyone knew. I mean, everyone knew he was sleeping with her. I was sick, I hated him and I hated myself for being so obtuse. It really hurt to know that he valued our marriage and personal relationship so little, that he could be so insensitive and cruel.
 
"That Friday evening I took every stitch of clothing he owned, most of which I bought.  I put them in the bathtub, filled it with Clorox, and let them soak overnight. He was livid, I was elated.
 
"Three days later I was with a client who decided to divorce his wife of seven years and marry his dental assistant. He had come to the firm—and in particular to me as a friend—to help him hide his assets. I slapped him twice in the conference room for asking me to compromise my legal principles. The firm's senior partner had to separate me from seriously harming the guy.
 
"I realized at that moment I was way out of control—a little late, but it really scared me. I went to see my ex that night and we had a long talk. He was lonely and depressed.  He said I bossed him around too much and that he hated me for the way I made him feel.  Then I realized that in any situation there are the proverbial three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. That honest, open conversation was the beginning of closure for me. I put some of my anger aside and started to move on with my life."
 
"The ABCs of Divorce" is a means of discovering the truth of your marriage layer by layer.  However, we believe that you should approach the real reason for the breakup only after you've become emotionally grounded. Joanne was fortunate, she was able to openly accept her share of the responsibility for the dissolution of the marriage, and move from a dysfunctional union to emotional freedom. This leads to how most people feel during and immediately after the crisis of divorce.

B. BETRAYED to BELIEVE:
"That which does not kill me will only make me stronger." -Friedrich Nietzsche

Betrayed: The above quote describes a masochist's approach to the divorce process. In many cases your relationship with your ex will continue to bring pain and suffering into your life. The idea is to survive and thrive after divorce, not learn to endure eternal agony. To quote one recently divorced male, "Divorce made me feel beyond betrayed.  It was as if a physical part of my body had been broken or seriously injured."

Believe: Become a Believer! Know that you will survive this crisis. This is one of the "must" assets when you're recovering from divorce. It becomes imperative for you to understand that it's alright to be weak and a little unsure. You need to heal from this state of brokenness and become whole. Let's say you just recovered from a really serious ailment: Would it be wise to attempt running a marathon?

Whenever you feel the need, don't be ashamed to seek outside help. This means someone you can talk to who is totally removed from your situation and who can provide direction and keep you grounded. Avoid your lawyer, who may bill you for each and every conversation. Also avoid using friends or a parent who will be forced to take your position. It must be a truly unemotionally involved source who can provide direction and keep you grounded.  At this state you need to be headed toward a safe harbor from the emotional storm.

Michael's Story
Michael is an investment banker really on the fast track. Michael met his wife at his previous place of employment.  He wooed and married her all in the space of seven months. Because of travel, employment pressures, and a lack of common interest they grew apart. Michael talked about the breakup of his marriage.

"Gail, my ex, started seeing one of my best friends who was a partner at my former firm.  They decided after our divorce was final to get married. This was hell on a major level.  It was the talk of my former office. My work went to pieces. Needless to say, my personal life was in a disaster mode. One night, I saw them walking into a restaurant. I went home, got my gun and decided to kill them both. Then end it all. I drove by our old apartment, took out the gun, and shot out all four tires of Gail's car. I realized then and there I was way over the edge.

"I had a major piece of business the following day. The client was one of the most stunning women I had ever seen. She asked me what was wrong. I said, ‘Nothing. I'm just having a nervous breakdown and you should have someone else handle this transaction.' I told her she seemed like a nice person, and I would not want to cause her financial harm. She was also going through a divorce and trying to bury herself in work.

"I told her my whole sordid story over lunch, which she paid for. I started to heal. Later that evening I called my ex-wife, wished her the best and told her I was leaving town.  She was really frightened by what she knew I had done, but had decided not to report the incident to the police. That night I watched "The Shawshank Redemption" and cried myself to sleep. The next morning I got up and thanked God, Allah, Buddha, whoever, for sparing me from a front-page headline."

The feeling of betrayal can make you do things that no sane person would ever consider.  Michael first got over his anger, ascended to a higher place and deeply believed that the worst was over.

Divorce can suddenly mean that the one person you thought was covering your back, the one human being you believed would never intentionally hurt you, has now become your worst enemy. For this reason, and because of the emotional shock and damage to your psyche, you must take time to pause and reflect. This ultimate betrayal has left you in a mild state of shock, abandoned and alone. Life as you once knew it is now over.  You must become prepared to go it alone.

C.  CONFUSED to COMMUNICATE:
"No wind serves him who addresses his voyage to no certain port." -Michel de Montaigne

Confused:  First, know that confused is the accepted conditional state during the divorce process. Emotions fluctuate moment to moment, and the most modest of daily routines becomes a challenge of great magnitude. Crisis inspires change, and while most of us resist change we can learn from the ancient Chinese proverb, that each crisis is an opportunity. 

Divorce often requires you to develop a new persona, to create a brand-new image of yourself within a very short time period. Familiarity is gone, and so is the love that was once an anchor. 

Communicate: Speak to yourself in a state of clarity. Start by having a clear and open communication channel with your feelings. It helps to create a set of simple objectives that you can easily achieve. Another key is to find something that gives you real pleasure and become involved in that activity for the short or the long term.

Divorce is particularly hard for those of us who pride ourselves in being strong. Being a victim of anything is just not our cup of tea. Remember, in a divorce there are no winners. If someone declares themselves the victor at the end of a matrimonial case, be glad that someone is permanently out of your life.

Kimberley's Story
After her divorce, Kimberley felt a strong personal loss at not having a man in her life. She knew that she was beautiful, young, and successful. An Ivy League graduate, she was a take-charge, no-nonsense gal. Kimberley vowed not to get hooked up for a second time with the wrong kind of guy. This time she was going to play it straight, just like a business deal.   Although broken-hearted, she was determined to start living again-and right away.  So she paid $10,000 to a dating service to meet the right kind of guy. One who would take care of her and provide for her in sickness and in health.

 It was an exclusive service. The guys were all MBAs, solid, mature, professional types—so she was told. She met businessmen—successful, of course—and doctors, and an occasional engineer. She developed a strong relationship with one engineer. Kimberley fell in love and they got married. 

But there was a problem. Norman, her new spouse, had never seen the inside of a college. Let alone receive a degree in engineering from a major university. Two years later, Kimberley's back in divorce court.  How, she wondered, could someone so smart be so dumb? Still broken, Kimberley did not take the proper time to heal, gain a clear prospective and put the pieces back together. The lesson here is to take it easy and get firmly grounded: Learn to walk before you start dancing with the wolves again. 

Kimberley said, "One of the most wonderful and tragic moments was when, during ‘The ABCs of Divorce' session, I was told to take a paper bag and blow all my troubles and failures into it, then throw the bag full of mistakes and misery away. I did just that. I'm starting over, this time a little slower and maybe I'll get it right, but if I make a mistake it's OK. I realize it's normal to make mistakes, but this time I'm moving a lot slower."

Factors which lead to our making such poor personal decisions can be understood and controlled. The need to destroy yourself and others is what the failure syndrome in an emotional situation is all about. More urgently, it is important to understand what's going on in your life—and that you are still in control. This knowledge can prevent us from following Kimberley's lead and make the same mistake over and over again

By Roberta Apuzzo & Bernard G. Butler